As the Head Coach of the Southfarthing Piemen, walked towards his teams changing room. He knew that this would be the most difficult team talks of his short career. Rumours were flying around all the cable vision channels that he had been approached by several teams to coach them next year. Elves, Goblins, Norsemen, and even an Orc team. As he reached the team door, he took a deep breath pausing with his hand resting on the door knob.
He opened up the door, and strode into the room with purpose. “Right boys, listen in”, he said confidently as the room fell silent. He could feel every eye in the room focusing on him, waiting for what he would say next. “I’m going to say this once, and once only. I am committed to this team, and I have NOT been approached by Vampires, Humans or Khemri. I am committed to this game, this team and we will go out there and perform. Yes were shorter. Yes were not as strong. But WE ARE TOUGH!”. The players began to murmur in agreement, and he knew that his next words would make or break this team in two.
“We have taken this league by storm. We have taken teams to their limits, whether that be dark elves, orcs, norse or the undead. We are the under dogs, we are the stunties, we shouldn’t even be playing this game. But by Nuffle we make teams respect us. I want you to go out there and stick one on them, get right in their faces, turn them back, knock them back, outdo what they do. Out jump them, out block them, out tackle them until they’re f******* sick of it. They cannot beat our ambition, our inner strength, because the moment is arriving for the greatest game of your f******* lives”. The Piemen erupted in primal cheer. “Now get out there and do me and Nuffle proud”. The Piemen ran onto the pitch, and as coach he knew he had done all he could. Did he really want to leave this team that were truly on the verge of something special? All he did know was that today was not the day for that decision to be made.
“Welcome Sports Fans, I’m Brenda exclusive reporter for WOWLOF, and I’m here live at The Piemen vs The Edgelords. The ground is at its capacity with 160,000 blood bowl fans in attendance, all waiting to see if the Piemen can upset the Edgelords, or if they will be burying half their team at the end of the match. We’ve had to delay kick off for a small riot that took place, according to our sources, roving reporter Stunty McShortarse picked a fight with another channel’s anchorgoblin, Snotnose Booger. This caused a free for all in the east stand, but it’s all calmed now, and were ready to play ball. The teams are out on the pitch, don’t move, this one has classic written all over it…………”
“The Piemen kick off, but what an awful kick, the ball is high, and is now plummeting to the ground. Edglord Minotaur, Darkhoof is gesticulating what he is going to do to Uppy McTuppy. Wait a second, the ball has landed in his arms. Maybe it was a good thing that Darkhoof wasn’t looking at the ball, cause he would never have caught that ball otherwise. Deeproot has picked a fight with Vomitspawn the Troll, it really is good to have a crowd favourite like Deeproot in a match like this. Oh look at that he has knocked the troll over. That may be the first time that Vomitspawn has been on his back this season”.
“That’s right Brenda, nothing like seeing a troll clueless and wondering how on earth he gets back up. It’s like watching a dung beetle on its back, legs going ten to the dozen” (giggle)
“Stunty, thanks for joining us here in the commentary box. You do look a little worse for wear though”
“Judge me not by my size Brenda, but that I make up with it in passion”, winked the little Stunty.
(Sigh) “Well you’re here now, and what a start to this game it’s been. Little Uppy McTuppy has just landed a sweet uppercut on Blackspire, catching him completely dumbstruck and now he’s down aswell. Well, would you look at that. To the crowds excitement, Uppy has begun to call out Darkhoof. Surely the little Halfling isn’t seriously going to try and go toe to toe with a Minotaur?”
“Well Brenda, I do admire my fellow halfling’s courage, but I think it is madness to enrage a Minotaur. But Darkhoof is not one to back away from a challenge, and he looks manic. I don’t think I can watch this Brenda”.
“Wow, such skill. McTuppy has dodged all three punches from Darkhoof, who has failed to lay a finger on him. It does look as if the Minotaur to become enraged by this.”
“Would you look at that Brenda, Treeman Capt. James T. Birch, has just decided to kick Killerbeez in his meat and two veg. That is going to be game over for Killerbeez in today’s match, but possible a permanent end to his fledgling porn career.”
“I’ve never seen such an aggressive Halfling team, Stunty. The Piemen are taking the game to the Edgelords and this Chaos team are struggling to cope with this aggression”.
“Well, this is what is proving to be the Piemens popularity Brenda. The unpredictability to push their oppenents to the limit, which they have done several times this season. Just look at Micky McBuff and his teammate. They are taking on Edgelord Orc, Bloodbreath, and they’ve managed to knock him over. Very impressive”.
“That’s right. The only Halfling who has successfully caused a casualty this season, was Robin Banks. He took out a wood elf earlier this season from the Village Green Society. If Bloodbreath had been taken out then, the Orc would have been ridiculed for the rest of his career”.
“I know Brenda, wood elf Lee Harvey Elfwald hasn’t been able to go into any interview without being grilled about how it felt to be taken out by the now infamous Robin Banks”.
“Ooooo, Darkhoof looks angry, he has again tried to land a punch on Uppy McTuppy, but the little fella is on fire, dodging every blow and mocking the Minotaur in the process. Darkhoof is roaring in frustration. He again try’s to hit McTuppy, but he’s failed again to land a blow.”
“As we look at the other end of the pitch Brends, we can see that Ram McLargefist has stunned Killgore. The crowd are chanting now.”
“THERE’S ONLY ONE RAM McLARGEFIST, ONE RAM McLARGEFIST. WE ARE THE PIEMEN, THE PIEMEN OF SOUTHFARTHING”.
“That’s certainly a catchy chant Stunty. Whatever had been said to the Piemen by their coach has worked. They’re playing as if Nuffle had possessed them himself. Darkhoof is again going for the little man again, and again McTuppy has dodged the first two fist’s with ease.”
“Ouch. The third has finally caught him Brenda. I think he is out for the game.”
“Looks that way, and Darkhoof has strode into the endzone putting the Edgelords one up, and he is roaring in triumph.”
“Would you look at that. His celebration has been cut short, ‘cause on the big crystal ball in the stands, he can see Uppy McTuppy being carried off the pitch. But he looks like he wants more of the Minotaur.”
“He certainly does. I believe that McTuppy is saying something like “IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT? YOU F****** P*****. I’M STILL HERE”. I’ve not heard language like that in many a year. It appears that Darkhoof hasn’t either, as he is currently being held back by his teammates.”
“I’m sure he wasn’t happy with the comments from McTuppy, Brenda. You can understand why he is so angry, he threw 20 punches at the halfling, and only managed to land one on the 21st attempt. I think that may be a record right there.”
“That is one tough fling. Deeproot has again knocked over Vomitspawn, but again failed to cause any real injury to him. This has enabled Ram McLargfist picked up the ball and the McLargefist chants have started again Stunty. He’s successfully handed the ball off to Mel Hamson. Classic Piemen play here, as Spruce Lee picks up Mel and hurls him down the pitch.”
“But luck isn’t with the Piemens top scorer Brenda. Mel has landed badly and from the angle of his arm, he appears to have fractured it into several pieces. There is no time left on the clock as the whistle is blown”.
“Well that’s halftime, and the Edgelords lead one to nothing. I’m Brenda, and this game has been brought to you by Bloodweiser. Where there’s blood, there’s Bloodweiser and a babe.”
“I’m Stunty McShortarse, with my co-presenter Brenda. Welcome back to the second half of the Edgelords vs the Southfarthing Piemen, and were straight back into the action. The second half has kicked off, and the rain has begun to pour. It’s a pour kick by the Edgelords, and it’s came down into the hands of Franky Footstool.”
“Oh Bloodbreath the Orc hasn’t seen Capt. Birch’s fist. It’s gone through …… his head. No-one is saving him, that is one DEAD orc, and Capt. Birch had now taken out two of the Edgelords.”
“Not wanting to be left out Spruce Lee managed to stun Darkhoof straight after the orc’s corpse was dragged off the pitch. The Piemen are looking to continue where they left off Brenda.”
“Yes, the Edgelords are beginning to look worried, and they needed someone to refocus them. Well, cometh the hour, cometh the man, as Shadowblade has put Bruno Bigwort out for the match.”
“But this has only set off Spruce Lee who in turn has slapped Shadowblade, putting the marauder firmly on his backside, ouch. The Edgelords are truly on the ropes despite their lead.”
“I’m struggling to keep up with everything that is happening Stunty.”
“Fear not my love, I shall help you through”.
(Sigh) “Get any closer Stunty, and you won’t be going home tonight, let alone walking home”.
(Cough) “Sorry Brenda. Lets get back to the action as Deeproot has thrown Franky Footstool with the ball down field. But again the Piemen have failed to land.”
“That’s the only thing that hasn’t gone well for them today. Usually their long game is solid.”
It looks like Darkhoof has managed to get back onto his feet, ooooooooo. He has been immediately slapped back down by Spruce, again stunned. He really isn’t having the best game, despite that touchdown, I think that the little man McTuppy has truly got under his hoof.”
“I know how he feels, I work with you every week”.
“Oh Brenda, how you jest. Look at that, Deeproot has now stunned Ray Mears with a sweet left hook. The Ogre has had a very quiet game today.”
“But ShiningSkull, the dark elf, has recovered the ball deep in his own half and is making his way up field. Suddenly the momentum has changed. It’s as if they have become refocused, and that can only be because ShiningSkull is barking orders at his teammates.”
“This can’t be good for the Piemen Brenda. Micky Mcbuff has been knocked out by Killgore, and Down’ere Davison has been hurt by Blackspire. That’s two players down in quick succession for the Piemen.”
“But you have to admire them, as Davison has joined McTuppy in goading Darkhoof, who is again knocked down by Spruce Lee”.
BANG!!!! “Well I never. Deeproot has been knocked down”
“He has indeed. Although it has taken five Edgelord players to achieve that”
“Strength in numbers Brenda, and its proven successful again. Capt. Birch meanwhile has knocked out Shadowblade. I’m not sure he will make it back onto the pitch as time is running out”
“Yes it is. And ShiningSkull is nearing the Piemens endzone. I’m not sure they can reach him now”.
“OMG Brenda. This is why the Piemen are one of the must see teams. Spruce Lee has picked up Harvey Crumble and is he????? Yes, yes he is. He has thrown Harvey down the field at ShiningSkull”.
“He’s paralysed with …… is that a look of fear on his face?”
“It is, will Crumble land on the shocked elf?”
“I don’t believe it, mere inches is what Crumble misses his target by. And although the Halfling has landed safely and has turned to strike out at ShiningSkull. The elf isn’t waiting around to take on one of the Piemen, and I can’t blame him. The Piemen have been very aggressive today.”
“That’s it Stunty. ShiningSkull crosses the line and puts the Edgelords 2-0 ahead. The whistle blows, and that’s the end of the game.”
“What a match Brenda. Have you ever ……”
“Well sports fans. We have just witnessed a classic. The halflings from Southfarthing have played their final game of the season against the Edgelords, and even though they have lost, you have to say they have come away with their heads held high. This match has provided some spectacular moments. Darkhoof’s inability to hit a Halfling until the 21st attempt. Darkhoof catching and scoring a TD. But most of all that sight of Uppy McTuppy calling out the Minotaur, and calling him something that this reporter can’t repeat. I’m Brenda, and this has been WOWLOF, goodnight”.
|December 5, 2017||7:30 pm||Bloodweiser||Season IV|
|Darkhoof||Chaos Pact Minotaur||1||1||0|
|Ray Mears||Chaos Ogre||0||0||0|
|Big Al||Goblin Renegade||0||0||0|
|The Notorious P.I.G||Halfling||0||0||0|
|Spruce Lee||Halfling Treeman||0||0||0|
|Capt James T. Birch||Halfling Treeman||2||0||0|