Carp Diem

Intense light temporarily blinded coach Hawkes (senior) as the damp sack was pulled of his head, his nostrils were filled with the thick, cloying scent of sea water, and the sound of lapping waves indicated that wherever he was, it wasn’t on land.
Still, it was a marked improvement on the Madcap Midgets’ camp at least.
“Ah, Coach Hawkes, it’s so good to make your acquaintance” A smooth, velvet voice purred, Hawkes’ eyes had not yet adjusted to the sudden change in light so was unable to see exactly where it originated from. “I apologise for the method of your… ah… transport, but we represent those to whom discretion is very important.”
“Honestly, I’ve known worse, have you ever travelled to an away game with a ravenous horde of Goblins? Worse, have you ever travelled back after a game? There’s always so much blood…” Coach Hawkes blinked again, his vision finally returning.
He was sitting at an ornate table covered in a heavy, dark cloth in what appeared to be some sort of exquisitely decorated room. Seemingly ordinary fixtures and fittings were embellished with gold and silver fineries, strange and wonderous statues made of Nuffle-only-knows what rare materials covered every available surface and…
Wait, that wasn’t cloth covering the table, that was skin.
And those fixtures all seemed incredibly spikey
And those statues all seemed to have a slightly brownish-red hue to them, as if they were covered in dried blood…
Coach Hawkes looked at the man, no elf who originally spoke to him and sighed.
“Dark Elves… Wonderful… Look, I have little of value to you, I coached a Goblin team last season. They… didn’t do well. I’d make a pretty poor slave and quite frankly I’m not even sure my blood would be all that healthy at this point – there’s quite a lot of alcohol in it.”
“Oh, you misunderstand Mr Hawkes” The velvet voiced Elf continued “I have a proposition for you. We would like you to coach our Dark Elf Team.”
“Wait, what?” Hawkes replied “Did you not hear me say ‘Goblin team’ and ‘Not Very Good’ I’ve never even made the play offs, I even failed with a Dwarf team!?! What ever makes you think I’d be a good idea to be your coach?!?”
“Well, you do come recommended…” The Elf smirked, Coach Hawkes felt his blood run cold.
“Fear, that bastard, he put you up to this didn’t he? Alright, very funny, hahahaha, you can all come out now”
“No, we’re deadly serious Mr Hawkes” The Elf allowed a little annoyance into his voice “We need you to coach our team, we have need of a… distraction, and Blood Bowl matches are a good way to make sure the authorities are looking the other way, all that violence and white plastic chairs being thrown around, it makes our jobs so much easier.”
“Right…” Hawkes slowly let out a breath “ok, that, makes some sense, I can at least draw a crowd, probably. Wait, your jobs? What do you need a distraction for?”
“Fishing”
“Fishing?”
“Yes, fishing, of the… local populace, it can be very profitable.” The Elf smiled again, a horrific smirk that told of endless tortures.
“Let me get this straight, by fishing you mean taking Slaves.” Hawkes started “Is that even legal?”
“We can neither confirm or deny such a thing, but it’s mostly a grey area. Let’s face it, any authority that allows the sale of that god awful swill CoCtang, and the ‘alleged’…” The Elf stifled a laugh “Deaths caused by it aren’t going to be worried about a few of their peasants going missing during a Blood Bowl game – and anyway, we have confidence that you’ll be able to entertain the masses! We need you to go the whole hog. Puns, banter, Memes, hastily written background stories, the works. We need you to be as convincing as possible, who knows, you may even be successful. Well, we mostly expect you to be successful actually, multiple revenue streams are never a bad idea.”
“As I’m pretty sure I’ve made you aware, my track record isn’t exactly… great. What makes you think I can live up to this?” Coach Hawkes sighed again, today was proving to be a long day…
“Well, you’ve already shown your penchance for deviousness, even with a team known for being rather poor, think what you could do with a team of players just as evil, but who can actually play the game? Plus we’ll be sending people with you to… ensure… your success.”
“Great, you’re going to make me take an assassin aren’t you, just when I thought you were going to give me a chance.”
“Well, we wouldn’t want to make things easy for you now would we Mr Hawkes, people might think something fishy was going on.”
“Well, Carpé Diem, I suppose” Hawkes nodded, this could work and, even with an assassin, it would still be safer than trying to lead that rebellious rabble of Misfits around.”
“Close, try Carp Diem” The Elf smirked again.
“Oh right, the puns…”

Coach Andy Hawkes

Current Team
Carp Diem
Past Teams
Madcap Midgets

Carp Diem

#PlayerTeamPositionCOMPCASTD
Alan CarpCarp DiemDark Elf Lineman100
Anchovy HopkinsCarp DiemDark Elf Blitzer134
1Mackeral PalinCarp DiemDark Elf Lineman210
3Barracuda ObamaCarp DiemDark Elf Lineman100
4Jonafin RossCarp DiemDark Elf Lineman000
5Cod StewartCarp DiemDark Elf Lineman000
6Gill ClintonCarp DiemDark Elf Lineman200
7Billy ShoalCarp DiemDark Elf Runner217
8Swim ShadyCarp DiemDark Elf Blitzer000
9Dolphin LungrenCarp DiemDark Elf Blitzer000
10Prawn ConneryCarp DiemDark Elf Assasin300
11Skate WinsletCarp DiemWitch Elf021
12Owen WhalesonCarp DiemDark Elf Blitzer002